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BOOK     178.5.H52  1A    c.  1 

HiBBETT    #    AUTOBIOGRAPHY    OF    JOHN 

BARLEYCORN    COMP 


3    ^153    DD0b33M3    0 


Autobiography 


of 


John  Barleycorn 


Compiled  by 
Captain  C.T.  HIBBETT,  (M.  C.) 

U.  S.  N.  Retired 


1923 

THE  STRATFORD  CO,  Publishers 

Boston.  Massachusetts 


Copyright,  1923 

The    STRATFORD   CO.,    Publishers 

Boston,  Mass. 


The  Alpine  Press,  Boston,  Mass.,  U.  S.  A. 


T)edicated  to 
HIS    FRIENDS 


PREFACE 

DURING  the  long  period  of  time  since  man 
abandoned  the  cave  and  jungle,  to  build  his 
first  rude  huts  and  begin  enjoyment  of  the  comforts 
and  luxuries  that  belong  to  him  as  gifts  from  his 
Maker,  I,  John  Barleycorn,  have  been  his  constant 
companion.  So  closely  have  we  been  associated  that 
there  are  but  few  records  of  human  history  in  which 
I  do  not  also  appear;  hence,  in  these  brief  memoirs, 
I  shall  devote  but  little  space  to  the  special  part  that 
I  have  played  in  the  great  drama;  just  a  few  per- 
sonal sketches,  culled  here  and  there,  from  the  long 
story,  will  suffice  for  what  I  would  present  in  these 
pages.  The  fact  is,  I  have  only  been  moved  to  give 
some  account  of  myself  by  the  unpleasant  and  unjust 
position  in  which  I  find  myself  in  this  20th  Century 
of  upheavals  and  confusions  in  world  affairs,  and  I 
am  using  this  narrative  form  more  for  protest,  than 
for  details  of  personal  history. 

It  seems  that  a  class  of  the  American  people  have, 
after  the  thousands  of  years  of  my  existence,  found 
that  I,  —  a  most  humble  creature  —  am  the  one  great 
cause  of  human  unhappiness,  and  under  the  spell  of 
this  newly  found  and  wonderful  inspiration,  are 
making  my  annihilation  the  prime  object  of  their  life- 
labor.    In  their  hatred  for  me  they  appear  to  have 


Preface 

overlooked  the  fact  that  human  history  abounds  in 
testimony  that  almost  the  sum  total  of  evil  under 
which  man  has  suffered  can  be  traced  directly  to 
Selfishness,  Intolerance,  Bigotry  and  other  pov^erful 
forces  within  his  nature,  which  guide  him  in  the  de- 
sire to  lord  it  over  and  oppress  his  fellow  man.  They 
should  remember  also,  that  I  have  far  more  real 
friends  than  enemies  in  the  more  highly  civilized 
communities,  and  that  their  ruthless  warfare  upon 
me  can  avail  nothing  beyond  throwing  one  more 
serious  obstruction  across  the  path  that  leads  to  the 
goal  of  universal  brotherhood. 

While  I  dare  not  claim  that  I  have  no  sins  to  be 
accounted  for,  I  shall  have  no  apology  to  offer  for  my 
appearance  in  human  affairs.  To  do  so  would,  I  feel, 
question  the  wisdom  of  the  Creator  of  the  Universe, 
for  He  created  the  essence  of  my  life,  stored  it  away 
abundantly  in  Nature  and  endowed  man  with  power 
to  give  it  material  form.  Then,  am  I  not  here  in 
accordance  with  His  will? 

J.  B. 


CHAPTER  I 

THE  name,  John  Barleycorn,  is  of  compara- 
tively recent  origin  in  history,  having  been 
given,  in  a  generic  sense,  to  all  the  mem- 
bers of  my  very  large  family  in  an  old  English 
or  Scotch  song.  It  was  more  firmly  fixed  upon 
us  by  our  good  friend,  Bobbie  Burns,  in  his  well- 
known  ballad,  the  last  verse  of  which  offers  the 
warm  pledge : 

^^Then  let  us  toast  John  Barleycorn, 
Each  man  a  glass  in  hand. 
And  may  his  great  posterity 
Ne^er  fail  in  old  Scotland/' 

In  these  memoirs  I  am  using  the  name  in  the 
personal  sense,  though  it  applies,  as  above 
stated,  to  all  the  members  of  the  family  in  all 
countries  and  through  all  the  centuries,  from 
first  appearance  in  primitive  form  to  present 
day  perfected  and  specialized  types.  Let  me 
say  that  I  am  fully  aware  that  the  name  is  now 
used  in  mockery  by  my  enemies,  but  with  Bobbie 
Burns  and  a  host  of  other  great  and  good  men, 

[1] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

it  was  and  is  a  term  of  endearment,  and  for  this 
reason  I  shall  always  be  proud  of  it. 

It  is  somewhat  humiliating  that  I  am  not  able 
to  give  definite  information  in  reference  to  date 
and  place  of  birth.  The  truth  is  that  I  am  of 
such  ancient  origin  that  I  have  only  legend  to 
depend  upon  as  to  when,  where  and  how  my 
original  ancestors  came  into  being.  The  legend, 
as  handed  down  to  me,  is  given  for  what  it  may 
be  worth : 

* '  One  day,  about  eight  thousand  years  ago,  an 
old  woman  belonging  to  the  first  home  settle- 
ment of  mankind  —  located  between  two  great 
rivers  (supposed  to  be  the  Euphrates  and 
Tigris)  —  went  into  the  forest  in  search  of  food. 
She  returned  to  the  village  of  rude  huts,  bring- 
ing bunches  of  wild  grapes  and  a  supply  of  wild 
honey.  She  placed  a  part  of  the  grapes  and 
honey  in  an  earthen  jar  and  left  it  outside  her 
hut.  Eain  fell,  filling  the  jar  with  water,  and 
the  old  woman  being  busy  preparing  wild  ani- 
mal skins  for  clothing,  forgot  about  the  jar  of 
good  things.  A  whole  moon  passed  before  she 
remembered  it,  and  she  then  found  her  jar  full 
of  beautiful  red  water,  delicious  to  the  taste  and 

[2] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

endowed  with  some  spirit  of  most  pleasant 
effect  upon  herself  and  all  others  to  whom  she 
gave  it  to  drink.  She  named  this  red  water 
^  The  Blood  of  the  Happy  Spirit, ' '  and,  remem- 
bering that  it  had  come  to  life  in  some  mysteri- 
ous way  through  the  charm  of  wild  grapes, 
honey  and  water,  she  prepared  other  jars  for 
her  family  and  told  the  glad  news  of  her  dis- 
covery to  her  neighbors. ' ' 

While  the  above  story  may  not  be  authentic 
in  detail,  I  do  not  doubt  that  it  was  in  some  such 
accidental  manner  that  the  life  blood  of  the 
John  Barleycorn  family  was  first  revealed  to 
man ;  nor  do  I  doubt  that  it  occurred  very  soon 
after  the  first  human  community  found  a  fixed 
place  of  abode.  Earliest  records,  referring  to 
what  are  now  known  as  luxuries,  mention  some- 
thing closely  akin  to  the  old  woman  ^s  **  Blood  of 
the  Happy  Spirit"  as  being  among  the  first 
used,  of  the  many  prepared  for  man^s  enjoy- 
ment. 

Ever  since  the  early  beginning  I  have,  in  some 
form  or  other,  been  the  companion  of  man 
through  all  the  mazes  and  trials  of  his  progress 
upward,  and  as  he  grew  in  knowledge  he  carried 

[3] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

me  along  with  him  to  higher  planes  of  develop- 
ment for  ministering  to  his  greater  enjoyment 
of  life. 

In  early  history  I  sometimes  attained  high 
places  in  the  affairs  of  nations.  Among  those 
great  people,  the  Jews,  I  very  early  rose  to  dis- 
tinction, not  only  in  a  social  way,  but  was  hon- 
ored with  participation  in  their  marriage  cere- 
monies and  in  their  religious  festivals.  I  had 
the  honor  of  occupying  such  high  positions 
among  these  people  long  before  the  historic 
event  in  which  I  figured  so  prominently  at  the 
marriage  feast  in  Cana  in  Galilee,  and  even 
today  neither  a  Jewish  wedding  nor  certain 
religious  festivals  can  be  complete  without  me. 

The  Greeks  and  Eomans,  those  wonderful 
pioneers  in  art,  literature  and  government  de- 
velopment, were  my  friends.  They  were  suffi- 
ciently interested  in  my  welfare  to  build  temples 
in  honor  of  the  gods,  Dionysus  and  Bacchus, 
who  presided  over  my  destiny.  With  less  osten- 
tation, but  with  equal  claim  to  friendship,  I 
have  held  sway  among  the  long  list  of  kings  and 
nobles  from  earliest  times  to  the  present  day, 
as  they  played  their  parts  in  world  history. 

[41 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

But  it  has  not  been  simply  in  the  role  of 
participating  in  certain  nations '  public  affairs, 
nor  of  being  the  companion  of  potentates  that 
I  have  figured  in  the  life  history  of  man.  Dur- 
ing my  long  life  I  have  mingled  with  all  classes 
and  conditions  of  men;  the  great  and  the 
humble ;  the  rich  and  the  poor ;  the  good  and  the 
bad,  —  everywhere  finding  myself  a  welcome 
guest  and  an  agreeable  companion.  At  the  bed- 
side of  the  sick  and  in  the  homes  of  the  aged 
and  feeble  it  has  ever  been  my  mission  to  min- 
ister to  their  physical  and  spiritual  needs;  the 
exhausted  toiler  has  found  me  a  good  fellow  to 
meet  and  commune  with  after  the  day^s  work 
was  done ;  festal  scenes  have  been  made  brighter 
and  sweeter  by  me,  and  many  of  the  world  ^s 
greatest  celebrities  in  art,  science  and  litera- 
ture have  given  to  humanity  their  best  works 
under  the  inspiration  of  my  presence. 

Yes,  I  have  administered  to  the  physical  needs 
and  comforts  of  man,  —  have  taken  part  in  his 
civil  and  religious  affairs,  —  but  my  most  en- 
during contributions  have,  perhaps,  been  along 
the  lines  of  his  intellectual  activities.  The  in- 
telligent reader  may  here  stop  for  a  moment  to 

[5] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

recall  the  names  of  great  poets,  musicians, 
artists,  men  of  science,  orators  and  others,  who 
called  me  to  their  assistance.  They  found  me 
worthwhile,  and  permitted  no  meddlesome 
bigotry  to  come  between  them  and  their  humble 
helper  in  bequeathing  the  forces  of  their  genius 
to  coming  generations. 

Further  referring  to  my  influence  upon  the 
human  race  I  wish  to  cite  one  other  class,  in  my 
dealing  with  which,  I  have  often  been  severely 
criticized.  I  refer  to  the  brute  class,  —  the  class 
without  moral  principle.  In  approaching  this 
field  of  operations  I  must  admit  that  I  have  no 
special  power  to  direct  the  inherited,  or  govern- 
ing forces  of  the  individual  man.  My  mission  is 
to  accentuate,  —  not  to  alter,  —  hence  it  is  that 
I  make  more  manifest  both  the  good  and  the  bad 
in  human  nature.  The  former,  I  help  to  raise 
to  higher  planes,  that  richer  harvests  may  be 
reaped ;  the  latter,  I  make  more  hideous,  that  it 
may  be  seen  and  avoided.  As  an  example  of  my 
work  among  the  brute  class,  I  have  in  mind  one 
Bill  Growler,  by  name.  BilPs  nature  contained 
about  all  the  elements  of  the  brute  that  are 
usually  found  in  the  human  race.    Too  selfish 

[6] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

and  penurious  to  possess  any  social  qualities,  I 
had  no  personal  acquaintance  with  him  until  the 
episode  in  his  life  that  I  here  relate,  though  I 
may  say  that  his  selfishness  and  other  abomi- 
nable qualities  were  well  known  to  the  commun- 
ity in  which  he  lived.  His  reputation  was  so  bad 
that  he  could  not  find  a  wife  among  the  people 
who  knew  him,  but  in  some  way  he  managed  to 
deceive  a  good  woman  from  another  town  and 
persuaded  her  to  marry  him.  Her  married  life 
was,  of  course,  one  of  unhappiness,  —  a  veri- 
table hell  on  earth.  Possibly  through  fear  of 
court  action.  Bill  had  not  added  physical  punish- 
ment to  his  brutal  words  and  general  studied 
meanness,  until  one  day  he  happened  to  fall 
under  my  stimulating  influence,  and  went  home 
to  administer  a  severe  whip-lashing  to  the  poor 
woman.  This  marked  the  limit  of  her  en- 
durance, and  made  the  way  clear  for  release 
through  absolute  divorce,  bringing  freedom 
after  the  years  of  suffering.  Please  remember 
that  I  did  not  create  the  brute  in  old  Bill 
Growler.  It  was  born  in  him,  and  I  only  fully 
revealed  it  to  the  world.  How  long  the  woman 
might  have  meekly  endured  a  life  of  abject 

[7] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

misery,  had  I  not  whispered  to  the  brute  to  use 
the  lash,  no  one  can  tell.  I  only  know  that  I 
rescued  her  from  torment,  and  that  she  many 
times  thanked  me  for  it.  Was  my  influence  in 
this  case  worthwhile  to  suffering  humanity? 

In  this  general  connection  I  may  invite  atten- 
tion to  the  fact  that  professional  gamblers,  high- 
way robbers  and  thieves,  dare  not  have  me  with 
them  while  plying  their  trades,  for  they  know 
that  I  would  expose  them  and  bring  them  to  the 
end  of  criminal  life,  just  as  I  brought  Bill 
Growler  to  the  end  of  his  career  as  a  maker  of 
unhappiness. 

It  is  quite  important  that  I  here  consider, 
somewhat,  the  enmity  as  well  as  the  friendship 
of  mankind  for  me,  and  perhaps  the  subject  can 
not  better  be  introduced  than  by  referring  to 
part  of  a  conversation  I  recently  had  the  pleas- 
ure of  hearing  between  two  eminent  college 
professors.  They  had  called  me  in  to  lend  my 
cheering  influence  for  a  social  evening  in  one  of 
their  well  equipped  and  handsomely  appointed 
libraries,  and  during  the  course  of  their  edify- 
ing conversation,  they  briefly  discussed  what 
they  termed  '* Natural  Enemies.''    They  spoke 

[8] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

of  the  great  forest  falling  under  the  attack  of 
tiny  insects,  and  of  man  and  other  animals  being 
tortured  and  killed  by  microscopic  germs,  all 
of  which  so  deeply  impressed  me,  that  when  the 
evening  was  over, —  the  last  good-nights  spoken, 
and  parting  smiles  indulged  in,  —  and  I  had 
gone  to  my  secret  place  of  abode,  I  found  myself 
pondering  over  what  I  had  heard.  Naturally, 
I  began  to  consider  my  own  case  in  reference  to 
Natural  Enemies;  wondering  what  manner  of 
creatures  they  could  be,  if  indeed  I  had  any. 
Looking  over  my  life  I  could  not  recall  one 
experience  that  might  indicate,  or  suggest  the 
existence  of  a  single  enemy  to  place  under  the 
learned  gentlemen  ^s  classification.  I  found,  that 
to  the  best  of  my  knowledge,  I  have  but  one 
enemy  in  the  world,  —  Man,  and  then  only  when 
he  is  under  some  infiuence  to  narrow  his  mental 
scope.  I  could  find  no  evidence  whatever  that 
the  human  race,  as  a  whole,  is  antagonistic  to 
me ;  that  it  is  only  when  some  personal  interest 
within  the  individual  is  at  stake,  to  control,  or 
when  masses  are  governed  by  religious  teach- 
ings, that  men  learn  to  hate  and  seek  my  de- 
struction.   Throughout  the  ages  there  have  been 

[9] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

isolated  human  beings  who,  for  various  reasons, 
have  entertained  no  good  feeling  for  me ;  have, 
in  fact,  looked  upon  me  as  unfit  to  associate 
with.  Towards  these  people  I  can  truthfully 
say  that  I  have  never  had  the  slightest  ill  feel- 
ing, unless  when  they  went  so  far  as  to  act  the 
^*dog  in  the  manger,^'  —  this  principle  being 
beyond  endurance  in  a  creature  as  humble  as  I, 
John  Barleycorn. 

It  is  from  organized  religious  intolerance  that 
I  receive  the  greater  part  of  enmity.  In  Chris- 
tian countries  small  religious  sects  have,  from 
time  to  time,  gone  so  far  in  their  animosity  as, 
to  all  intents  and  purposes,  to  make  my  prohibi- 
tion a  vital  part  of  their  creed,  to  be  strictly 
observed  by  all  of  their  followers ;  and  in  some 
much  larger  organizations  the  leaders  most 
vehemently  preach  my  condemnation  on  all  con- 
venient occasions.  Among  the  lay  members  of 
these  larger  bodies  I  have  always  found  a  host 
of  very  good  friends,  who  do  not  find  it  neces- 
sary to  ostracize  me  in  their  higher  development 
of  spiritual  life.  My  prohibition  is  not  in  the 
creed  to  which  they  subscribed,  nor  do  they  find 
it  in  the  teachings  of  the  Giver  of  their  religion. 

[10] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

From  long  and  close  observation  I  am  fully 
convinced  that  as  long  as  a  nation  has  not  a 
united  religious  organization,  with  my  prohibi- 
tion as  a  vital  part  of  its  creed,  and  its  citizens 
fully  and  freely  accepting  it,  that  nation  will 
never  be  able  to  drive  me  entirely  out  of  its 
territory.  As  is  well  known,  the  attempt  has 
been  made  by  numerous  small  communities  and 
states  without  success  in  any  one  instance ;  and 
it  is  now  being  made  by  the  great  American 
people,  with  only  discord,  lawlessness  and  blood- 
shed to  mark  its  progress.  Freedom  in  religious 
thought  and  deeply  rooted  love  of  individual 
liberty  are  powerful  barriers  to  be  broken  down 
before  my  enemies  can  send  up  their  shouts  of 
complete  victory !  I  sometimes  wonder  if  these 
things  can  come  to  pass,  —  if  my  absolute  pro- 
hibition can  be  injected  into,  and  be  made  an 
essential  part  of  the  Christian  Religion,  and  if 
the  intelligent  American  people  can  be  taught 
that  the  idea  of  personal  rights  is,  after  all,  only 
a  beautiful  illusion ! 

Having  tried  to  present  some  general  facts  in 
regard  to  my  friends  and  enemies,  as  I  see  them, 
I  wish  now  to  make  honest  confession  of  an  un- 

[11] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

fortunate  fault  in  my  nature  about  which  there 
is  sometimes  more  or  less  complaint.  It  is  that 
degree  of  irritability  which  causes  me  to  flare  up 
now  and  then  and  be  somewhat  rough  with 
people  who  annoy  me.  Yes,  I  acknowledge  this 
fault,  though  I  can  truthfully  say  that  it  is  never 
manifest  except  under  provocation.  I  can  not 
bear  to  be  subjected  to  persistent  and  pressing 
familiarity,  hence  when  a  man  insists  upon  im- 
posing himself  upon  me  from  early  morn  till 
late  at  night,  he  generally  finds  himself  in  a 
more  or  less  dilapidated  condition.  He  is  well 
aware,  that  as  long  as  he  treats  me  with  ordi- 
nary consideration  there  will  always  be  good- 
fellowship  between  us,  while  if  he  attempts  to 
monopolize  the  whole  of  me  he  will  eventually 
have  cause  for  regret.  Millions  upon  millions 
of  good  men,  —  nations,  in  fact,  —  have  learned 
to  consider  this  irritable  nature  of  mine,  and 
were  it  not  for  isolated  cases  of  the  over  zealous 
above  referred  to,  there  would  be  no  cause  for 
my  enemies  to  call  me  ^'a  disreputable  old 
cuss,"  **son  of  Satan,''  and  other  disparaging 
names. 

That  nations,  as  well  as  individuals,  have 

[12] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

learned  how  to  live  with  me  in  perfect  peace, 
can  readily  be  verified  by  any  careful  observer 
of  the  conditions  that  obtain  in  some  of  the 
countries  of  western  Europe.  How  I  love  the 
people  of  those  countries !  Our  friendship  is  of 
the  true  and  loyal  order,  cultivated  through 
many  centuries,  and  now  so  well  established 
that  no  designing  enemy  can  ever  bring  discord 
between  us.  They  robe  me  in  garments  of 
sparkling  beauty,  annoint  me  with  the  aroma  of 
their  beloved  vineyards,  and  on  my  part  I  am 
ever  ready  to  serve  them  with  all  consideration 
for  their  health  and  happiness.  Among  them 
my  presence  has  long  been  considered  necessary 
to  their  well-being;  as  much  so  for  the  peasant 
as  for  the  king.  In  those  dear  old  countries  the 
people  and  I  have  no  exhibitions  of  **  rough 
house,"  for  my  enemies  across  the  sea  to  roll 
under  their  tongues  as  sweet  morsels  of  gossip. 
Sometimes  I  feel  that  ere  long,  —  perhaps 
within  the  coming  century  —  all  nations  will 
have  so  thoroughly  learned  the  lesson  now 
known  to  the  people  of  western  Europe,  that 
there  will  no  longer  be  any  excuse  for  me  to 
show  the  irritable  side  of  my  nature. 

[13] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

Before  closing  this  chapter,  which  has  been 
devoted  largely  to  my  general  relations  with 
mankind,  I  must  have  something  to  say  about 
my  war  record  for  I  am  rather  proud  of  it. 

I  have  never  been  accused  of  being  a  coward ; 
on  the  contrary,  if  the  testimony  of  my  enemies 
is  to  be  accepted,  I  would  be  looked  upon  as 
rather  combative  by  nature.  This,  however,  is 
not  true,  for  ordinarily  I  am  quite  cheerful  and 
agreeable ;  only  when  people  irritate  me  by  un- 
bearable intimacy  do  I  become  at  all  pugna- 
cious. On  the  battle  field  I  inspire  men  with 
more  confidence  in  themselves,  steady  their 
nerves  and  give  them  power  to  endure  the  strain 
of  deadly  conflict.  For  these  reasons,  and  on 
account  of  my  helpfulness  in  sickness  and  weari- 
ness, I  have  always  been  looked  upon  as  a  most 
valuable  recruit;  especially  among  the  high 
strung  white  races. 

It  was  not  until  the  American  people  decided 
to  participate  in  the  recent  World  War  that  my 
fitness  and  desirability  for  war  was  ever 
doubted,  and  then  only  by  a  select  few.  The  of- 
ficers, soldiers  and  sailors  wanted  me,  but  some 
non-belligerents  who  thought  themselves  wiser, 

[14] 


Autohiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

sought  to  keep  me  out.  There  was  such  a  fight 
over  the  question  that  I  found  myself  in  a 
unique  and  most  uncomfortable  position;  that 
of  playing  the  double  role,  for  awhile,  of  both 
promoting  and  retarding  the  prosecution  of  the 
war.  While  Great  Britain,  France  and  Belgium 
and  their  noted  military  leaders  were  calling 
me  to  the  trenches,  hospitals  and  other  points 
of  service,  there  was  an  organized  party  of  my 
enemies  in  the  lobbies  of  the  Capitol  at  "Wash- 
ington, doing  all  within  their  power  to  make  my 
annihilation  the  primary  and  fundamental  step 
in  war  preparation.  Their  political  maneuver- 
ing forms  a  conspicuous  part  of  the  history  of 
those  exciting  times,  so  I  will  not  waste  time  re- 
peating it.  Suffice  it  to  say,  that  while  suffering 
Europe  was  sending  hurry  calls  for  man-help 
from  America,  war  preparation  by  the  latter 
was  being  delayed  by  those  bigoted  obstruction- 
ists who  insisted  upon  attaching  my  death  sen- 
tence to  urgent  war  bills.  In  fact,  it  was  not 
until  the  President  addressed  a  personal  letter 
to  the  leader,  asking  him  to  withdraw  his  forces 
from   the    lobbies,    that   the   more    important 

[15] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

measures  could  be  favorably  acted  upon  and 
the  boys  be  made  ready  to  go  ^*Over  There.'' 

Critics  of  the  period  have  suggested  that 
many  lives  would  have  been  saved  had  my  case 
been  laid  aside  by  the  Congress  until  the  war 
was  over,  but  such  a  course  did  not  accord  with 
the  well  laid  plans  of  my  persecutors.  They 
had  selected  this  most  opportune  time  for  their 
work,  and  their  hatred  of  me  was  so  intense 
that  they  could  not  stop  to  consider  what  was 
going  on  in  Europe  until  I  had  been  disposed  of. 
Apparently  they  were  under  the  delusion  that  as 
long  as  I  was  free  to  roam  at  large  in  America  it 
would  be  useless  to  send  the  Yankee  boys  to  the 
battle  fields  of  Europe.  They  must  have  been 
working  under  some  such  secret  motto  as, 
**  John  Barleycorn's  head  first;  then  that  of  the 
Kaiser." 

But,  all  of  the  wrangling  and  waste  of  time  in 
Washington  had  no  effect  upon  the  part  that  I 
continued  to  play  in  the  great  World  War.  In 
no  previous  war  of  history  was  I  of  such  service, 
for  in  none  other  had  there  been  such  need  of 
my  sustaining  power.  It  did  me  good  to  see  the 
brightened  eye  and  firmer  grip  of  gun  when  I 

[16] 


Autohiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

had  given  my  parting  lip-salute  to  the  boy  going 
'  *  over  the  top ; ' '  how  I  loved  to  minister  to  those 
boys  when  dampness  and  cold  had  chilled  their 
life-blood,  and  what  pleasure  I  found  in  stroll- 
ing through  the  hospitals,  bringing  cheer  and 
renewed  strength  to  those  with  frightful 
wounds,  or  wasting  away  under  the  ravages  of 
flu,  and  other  dangerous  ills  of  humanity !  Well 
could  I  bear  all  the  calumny  that  was  being 
heaped  upon  my  head  in  the  lobbies  of  the 
Capitol  at  Washington! 

If  there  be  those  who  doubt  that  I,  John 
Barleycorn,  helped  win  the  war,  let  them  ask 
the  soldiers  of  Great  Britain,  France,  Belgium 
and  even  of  forbidding  America,  for  they  know 
better  than  those  who  remained  in  the  security 
of  their  homes  across  the  sea,  and  prayed  that 
I  would  suffer  death  by  gas  asphyxiation,  or  be 
captured  to  waste  away  in  German  prisons. 


[17] 


CHAPTER  II 

NOT  wishing  to  bore  the  reader  with  a 
lengthy  narrative  of  incidents  and  per- 
sonal experiences  in  my  world-wide  and 
omnipresent  life  among  men,  I  will  now  confine 
my  writing  to  what  has  transpired  during  the 
past  few  years  in  the  great  Republic  of  America. 
It  must  be  remembered  that  in  this  country  the 
founders  of  government  guaranteed  each  citi- 
zen the  great  inheritance  of  **life,  liberty  and 
the  pursuit  of  happiness/'  and  this  has  been 
cherished,  and  was  transmitted  from  father  to 
son,  during  the  century  and  one-half  of  the 
American  Republic.  Quite  recently,  however, 
there  has  developed  a  sinister  desire  and  inten- 
tion to  limit  this  inheritance  to  only  a  certain 
class  of  citizens.  This  wonderful  change  in 
governmental  principle,  —  from  the  spirit  of 
liberty  to  the  spirit  of  narrow  mindedness  and 
selfishness,  —  would  not  be  referred  to  in  these 
memoirs  did  it  not,  in  a  measure,  place  my  life 
in  jeopardy.  It  would  not,  moreover,  be  just 
to  my  true-spirited  American  friends  did  I  not 

[18] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

enter  some  sort  of  protest  against  being  made 
one  of  the  instruments  in  the  attempt  to  destroy 
their  right  to  judge  what  goes  to  make  for 
liberty  and  pursuit  of  happiness  in  the  privacy 
of  their  homes  and  in  their  social  affairs. 

In  this  great  country  I  roamed  at  liberty,  as 
the  friend  and  companion  of  man,  from  the  land- 
ing of  the  Pilgrim  Fathers  until  a  quite  recent 
period.  The  country  was  prosperous  and 
happy,  with  each  man  attending  to  his  own  bus- 
iness in  the  way  of  living,  so  long  as  he  did  not 
steal,  murder  or  commit  any  of  those  other 
crimes  that  are  at  variance  with  the  intuitive 
sense  of  discrimination  between  right  and 
wrong.  There  were  many  great  men  among 
these  people  during  the  earlier  periods,  and  as 
far  as  I  know,  none  of  the  real  leaders  were 
my  sworn  enemies.  Among  the  most  illustrious 
I  had  many  boon  companions,  whose  homes 
would  not  have  been  complete  in  that  which  goes 
to  make  good  cheer  and  innocent  enjoyment  of 
life  without  me.  Their  young  ones  were  early 
taught  to  know  and  understand  me,  and  even  the 
ladies  of  the  happy  households  were  wont  to  vie 
with    each   other   in   gathering  me    from   the 

[19] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

grapevines,  blackberry  bushes  and  other  choice 
places  of  concealment,  and  put  me  through  such 
processes  of  refinement  in  their  kitchens  and 
cellars  as  best  fitted  me  to  associate  with  their 
liege  lords  and  beloved  masters.  This  occupa- 
tion of  the  female  population,  by-the-way,  ap- 
pears to  have  been  revived  with  new  energy 
recently,  and  even  the  males  are  evincing  more 
interest  in  it  than  of  yore. 

One  of  my  most  delightful  friends  in  those 
by-gone  days  of  pleasant  memories  was  the  fine, 
old,  country  gentleman.  Well  do  I  remember 
his  urbane  manner,  his  genial  and  smiling  face, 
and  above  all,  his  pure  unselfish  soul  which 
made  his  own  life  worth  living  and  sent  its 
radiance  into  the  hearts  of  all  who  were  so  for- 
tunate as  to  be  numbered  among  his  friends  and 
associates.  As  has  been  said  by  some  one,  *^his 
home  was  his  castle, ' '  and  it  was  guarded  only 
by  the  brave  and  zealous  care  of  his  own  person- 
ality. I  had  the  honor  of  being  always  with  him, 
and  when  his  neighbors  came  they  were  invari- 
ably invited  to  shake  hands  with  John  Barley- 
corn. I  do  not  remember  that  the  dear  old 
gentleman  and  I  ever  had  any  serious  difficulty, 

[2a] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

though  on  one  or  two  very  special  occasions,  — 
notably  at  the  marriage  feast  of  his  first 
daughter,  —  I  found  it  expedient  to  tap  him  on 
the  shoulder  as  a  gentle  warning.  Yes,  he  was 
a  grand  and  noble  character  in  earlier  American 
history,  but  can  his  type  endure  in  this  degener- 
ate age  when  selfishness  and  intolerance  per- 
vade the  social,  political  and  even  some  religious 
organizations?    Echo  answers,  *^can  it?'^ 

I  played  my  part  in  that  great  drama  of 
** winning  the  West,''  and  while  some  exciting, 
even  blood-curdling,  stories  of  the  times  have 
been  attributed  to  my  influence  over  the  adven- 
turous spirits  who  participated  in  the  work, 
would  it  be  fair  or  just  to  credit  me  with  the 
larger  part  of  the  lawlessness  that  prevailed! 
That  was  a  unique  period  in  American  history, 
developing  a  special  type  of  man  to  grapple 
with  and  subdue  the  untamed  world  in  which  he 
found  himself.  But  few  who  did  not  possess 
much  of  the  spirit  of  adventure  responded  to 
the  call  of  the  ^  ^  wild  and  woolly  West, ' '  and  once 
there,  they  soon  became  a  living  part  of  their 
environment.  Law  and  order  did  not  prevail  in 
their  midst. 

[21] 


AutohiograpJiy  of  J.olin  Barleycorn 

I,  Jolin  Barleycorn,  am  also  endowed  with  a 
goodly  part  of  the  spirit  of  adventure,  so  in  the 
natural  course  of  events  I  found  myself  west- 
ward bound  to  join  in  the  discouragements,  the 
thrills,  the  dangers,  the  satisfying  sense  of  dif- 
ficulties overcome  and  above  all,  to  become  as 
free  in  living  as  the  red  man  with  his  wigwam 
and  campfires.  Amid  the  discouragements  I 
whispered  a  cheering  word,  in  sickness  admin- 
istered a  helpful  potion,  and  was  ever  ready  to 
join  in  the  songs  of  other  days  around  the  camp- 
fires,  whereby  there  were  revived  in  the  boys 
sweet  memories  of  home  and  loved  ones.  Were 
these  few  ministrations  worthwhile  to  the 
** winners  of  the  West?" 

As  for  the  evil  of  which  I  have  been  accused, 
can  it  not  be  forgotten  in  the  grand  final  results ; 
a  magnificent  country,  blooming  under  cultiva- 
tion, and  blessed  with  every  mark  of  highest 
civilization?  Surely  John  Barleycorn  has  left 
no  lasting  stain  to  mark  his  footsteps  across  the 
western  plains.  He  but  followed  his  adventur- 
ous companions  and  lived  as  they  lived.  Neither 
he  nor  they  have  any  apologies  to  offer  a  crit- 
ical world,  for  they  only  obeyed  the  whispered 

[22] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

order,  ^^go  win  the  West,'^  from  that  secret 
temple  whose  god  directs  human  affairs.  The 
great  work  done  in  their  own  way,  without  aid 
or  advice  from  those  who  stood  aloof  and  gazed 
with  holy  horror  upon  the  scene. 

Very  early  in  American  history  there  was 
established  in  the  villages  and  cities  what  is 
known  as  the  saloon.  It  was  probably  brought 
over  in  the  Mayflower,  or  some  other  early 
transport,  being  a  replica,  as  near  as  possible, 
of  the  barroom  of  ^^Merrie  England, '^  and  was 
intended  as  a  convenient  meeting  place  for  my 
friends  and  me.  In  construction  it  was  some- 
what peculiar  in  having  a  slatted  door,  pre- 
sumably to  cut  off  the  view  of  small  boys,  pry- 
ing old  maids,  and  tattlers  in  general. 

In  introducing  the  American  saloon  to  my 
readers  I  am  about  to  enter  upon  the  most 
eventful  and  exciting  period  of  my  life,  for  it 
has  been  made  the  excuse  for  a  very  bitter  and 
determined  attack  upon  me  by  a  certain  class  of 
people.  In  the  beginning  of  what  is  to  follow  I 
wish  it  distinctly  understood  that  I  am,  and 
have  always  been,  strongly  opposed  to  any  such 
rendezvous  for  those  who  expect  to  derive  real 

[23] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

pleasure  from  associating  with  me.  This  state- 
ment, coming  from  me,  may  appear  a  little  in- 
consistent with  a  most  natural  desire  to  prolong 
my  earthly  career,  but  I  have  long  known  that  I 
would  get  along  better  with  humanity  without 
anything  like  an  enclosed  or  hidden  meeting 
place.  All  sorts  and  conditions  of  men  assem- 
bling in  such  a  place,  some  of  them  lingering 
and  annoying  me  with  repeated  overtures  of 
intimacy,  frequently  resulted  in  more  or  less 
disturbance  of  the  peace  of  the  community  and 
led  to  severe  criticism  of  me  as  being  alone 
responsible.  I  venture  to  say  that  had  it  not 
been  for  the  saloon  I  would  be  on  good  terms 
with  the  American  people  today,  just  as  I  am 
with  the  people  of  France,  Italy,  Spain  and 
other  European  countries  where  no  such 
slatted-door  establishments  are  in  vogue.  In 
those  countries  magnificent  cafes  are  located  in 
the  most  fashionable  shopping  districts,  all  with 
large  glass  fronts  and  handsome  interior  fit- 
tings, where  my  friends  find  me  ever  ready  to 
serve  them  in  modesty  and  decency.  As  previ- 
ously stated,  those  people  have  known  me 
through  many  centuries  and  have  learned  to 

[24] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

treat  me  with  due  respect,  thus  guarding  them- 
selves against  being  sent  into  the  streets  in  a 
dilapidated  condition  to  meet  the  sneers  of  the 
fastidious  and  probably  be  incarcerated  in  a 
dismal  dungeon,  minus  what  change  they  may 
have  in  pocket. 

Several  years  ago  there  was  organized  in 
America  what  is  known  as  the  Anti-Saloon 
League.  From  its  name  one  would  naturally 
infer  that  it  has  for  its  object  the  abolishment 
of  the  slatted-door  saloon,  and  really  that  ap- 
pears to  have  been  its  original  aim.  More  recent 
developments  have  put  it  in  a  different  light 
before  the  public,  for  it  has  taken  upon  itself 
the  task  of  not  only  driving  me  out  of  the  saloon, 
but  of  literally  wiping  me  from  off  the  face  of 
the  earth.  Had  the  Anti-Saloon  League  adhered 
to  first  principles,  I  might  have  been  induced  to 
become  an  active  member,  but  having  gone  so 
far  beyond  its  original  intentions  as  to  seek  my 
utter  destruction  I  most  respectfully  request 
that  I  be  excused.  The  fact  is,  it  appears  to  me 
that  it  has  about  lost  its  right  to  the  original 
name,  and  could  more  appropriately  be  called 
the  League  of  Intolerance. 

[25] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

Of  what  class  or  classes  is  the  Anti-Saloon 
League  composed?  I  have  asked  a  number  of 
people  this  question,  and  the  almost  invariable 
reply  has  been  that  its  chief  officers  and  a  large 
percentage  of  its  lay  members  are  found  in 
certain  church  organizations;  that  the  officers 
have  been  selected  from  the  more  belligerent 
members  of  the  priesthood  of  these  churches, 
who  continue  to  wear  the  sacerdotal  robes  while 
conducting  a  political  warfare  against  me  in  the 
lobbies  of  the  National  Capitol  and  state  legis- 
latures. If  I  have  not  been  misinformed,  it  is 
thus  quite  clear  that  the  Anti-Saloon  League  is 
a  kind  of  religio-political  organization,  having 
for  its  object  the  doing  away  of  the  time-hon- 
ored custom  in  the  Christianized  world  of  intel- 
ligent men  and  women,  associating  with  John 
Barleycorn  in  any  way  whatever. 

Before  having  more  to  say  about  the  Anti- 
Saloon  League,  I  wish  it  distinctly  understood 
that  my  informants  regarding  its  organization 
and  personnel,  assured  me  that  by  no  means  are 
all  the  religious  organizations  in  America  in 
sympathy  with  its  idea  of  directing  or  guiding 
man's  moral  development  by  the  force  of  human 

[26] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

legislation ;  nor  have  they  led  me  to  feel  that  all 
the  preachers  and  laymen  of  the  churches  nnder 
which  the  League  was  organized  and  by  which 
it  is  now  controlled,  are  in  sympathy  with  the 
departure  from  the  old  method  of  spiritual  re- 
generation. These  adherents  to  the  **01d  Time 
Religion'*  believe  that  the  war  against  me,  if 
entirely  successful,  will  eventually  lead  to  some- 
thing more  far-reaching.  As  one  prominent 
Christian  gentleman  said  in  discussing  the  ulti- 
mate intentions  of  the  Anti-Saloon  League,  ^*I 
can  see  the  League  preparing  to  arrange  a  gal- 
lery of  gruesome  pictures  for  the  edification  of 
coming  generations.  On  one  wall  there  will  be 
placed,  ^  Death  Agonies  of  John  Barleycorn/ 
*  Expiring  Gasp  of  Old  Nicotinus,'  *  Parched 
lips  of  Dead  Caffinus,'  ^Funeral  Pyre  of  the 
Sabbath  Breaker,'  and  a  few  other  similar  re- 
minders of  what  will  be  done  to  sanctify  man- 
kind. On  the  opposite  wall  will  hang  ^The 
Brotherhood  of  Mankind' —  (this  last  done  in 
colors  of  doubtful  blending  and  by  the  hand  of  a 
bungling  artist).  No,  I  will  have  nothing  to  do 
with  such  folly. ' ' 
As  above  organized,  the  Anti-Saloon  League, 

[27] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

in  the  beginning  of  its  crusade  against  me,  in- 
scribed upon  its  banner  a  word,  whicli,  to  a  man 
who  can  lay  claim  to  any  right  of  free  thought 
and  action,  has  an  unpleasant,  if  not  sinister, 
meaning.  To  throw  the  word  Prohibition  across 
the  path  of  a  free  man,  when  the  conscientious 
conviction  of  his  intelligent  mind  would  lead 
him  along  that  path  is,  to  use  a  slang  phrase, 
like  *  ^  shaking  a  red  rag  at  a  bull. ' '  It  is  quite 
likely  to  arouse  resentment,  and  surely  does  not 
tend  to  develop  the  great  spirit  of  brotherly 
love.  How  successfully  it  can  be  applied  to 
destroy  the  natural  rights  of  worthy  citizens  of 
a  free  country,  is  a  matter  of  conjecture. 

The  methods  used  by  the  League  in  trying  to 
bring  about  my  death  varied  somewhat  as  the 
work  went  on.  Of  course,  it  issued  all  kinds  of 
propaganda  against  me.  At  first,  as  before 
stated,  the  slatted-door  saloon  received  most 
attention,  especially  when  seeking  aid  from 
among  that  class  of  my  friends  and  habitual 
associates,  who  like  myself,  were  anti-saloon 
in  spirit.  This  method  was  most  successful  in 
some  sections,  as  Virginia  and  other  southern 
states.    The  most  plausible  offer  was  made  to 

[28] 


Autohiograpliy  of  John  Barleycorn 

the  above  class  of  men  that  if  they  would  assist 
in  closing  the  saloons,  provision  would  be  made 
whereby  they  could  have  me  visit  them  in  their 
homes  once  a  month  without  molestation.  My 
innocent  friends  bit  at  the  bait  like  hungry  fish, 
with  the  result  that  the  saloons  were  closed  and, 
for  a  time,  the  monthly  visitations  were  be- 
grudgingly  permitted.  The  next  step  was  to 
pack  the  legislatures  with  willing  or  easily  in- 
fluenced tools,  and  then  put  on  the  screws  with 
such  force  that  John  Barleycorn  was  squeezed 
out  of  the  state  altogether.  I  was  not  even  per- 
mitted to  visit  the  sick  except  at  enormous  ex- 
pense and  by  permission  of  a  doctor,  and  if  the 
aforesaid  medicine  man  happened  to  be  a  moral- 
ist the  patient  must  get  along  as  best  possible 
without  my  help.  The  above  tactics  were  worthy 
of  applause  of  the  most  finished  politicians  in 
America,  and  from  a  first-class  politician's 
view-point,  were  strictly  honest. 

Perhaps  it  will  never  be  fully  understood  how 
the  National  Congress  was  finally  prevailed 
upon  to  vote  for  my  annihilation.  The  vote  was 
non-partisan  in  reference  to  the  two  old  political 
parties,  but  showed  fairly  well  defined  lines 

[29] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

between  states,  or  sections.  Strange  to  say,  it 
was  the  first  time  in  American  history  when  the 
southern  states  put  themselves  on  open  record 
as  the  enemy  of  so-called  states  rights,  and  of 
personal  liberty.  Let  others  unravel  the  mys- 
tery, while  I  confine  myself  to  a  few  surmises, 
or  kindly  guesses,  as  to  the  motives  which 
prompted  some  of  the  nation's  chosen  ones  to 
vote  against  me.  There  were  probably  a  few 
among  them  who,  never  having  known  me  per- 
sonally, imagined  me  to  be  some  evil  spirit  sent 
into  the  world  by  His  Satanic  Majesty  to  work 
only  injury  to  man,  and  having  given  way  to 
this  feeling,  were  as  afraid  of  me  as  the  old  time 
southern  negro  was  of  the  hobgoblins  by  which 
the  country  graveyard  was  infested  on  dark 
nights.  Some  of  the  same  class  perhaps  looked 
upon  me  as  a  witch,  —  a  survivor  from  the  war- 
fare waged  against  those  demons  in  early  New 
England  times.  No  one  can  censure  such  people 
for  following  their  honest  convictions.  Another, 
and  very  large  class  who,  despite  a  long  friend- 
ship, and  against  their  personal  convictions  and 
inclinations,  sent  up  a  loud  aye  for  the  benefit  of 
the  people  ^^back  home"  when  the  question, 

[30] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

'*sliall  John  Barleycorn  die?"  was  publicly  put 
to  them ;  —  a  class  of  modern  politicians  who 
have  lost  every  moral  right  to  enjoy  my  society, 
but  who  persist  in  forcing  their  fond  caresses 
upon  me  on  all  possible  occasions.  I  can  only 
invite  attention  to  what  I  believe  to  be  a  fact,  — 
that  in  the  grand  old  days  there  were  but  few 
such  men  to  be  found  in  the  Congress,  and  there 
were  great  men  in  those  days.  Only  one  other 
class  of  voters  against  me  will  I  mention,  — 
those  who  were  and  are  still  my  staunch  friends, 
yet  voted  for  my  death  in  order  that  I  might  the 
sooner  live.  This  may  seem  paradoxical  but  it 
will  be  understood  when  I  later  on  give  my 
interview  with  a  dear  old  senator. 

It  so  happened  that  I  was  in  Washington  at 
the  time  when  my  case  was  being  discussed  and 
acted  upon  by  the  Congress,  and  frequently 
strolled  up  to  the  Capitol  to  visit  some  of  my 
friends,  especially  of  the  Senate.  They  were 
always  delighted  to  see  me  and  often  took  me  to 
the  cloak  room,  or  to  their  private  offices  for 
old  time  converse.  They  were  very  affectionate, 
smacked  their  lips  after  the  loving  kiss,  and 
called  me  dear  old  John  Barleycorn. 

[31] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

One  thing  I  noticed  during  my  visit  was,  that 
every  time  one  of  my  friends  presented  himself 
in  the  lobby  he  was  approached  and  held  captive 
for  a  time  by  one  or  more  peculiarly  dressed 
gentlemen  who  were  everywhere  in  evidence. 
These  gentlemen  were,  as  a  rule,  either  very 
portly  or  extremely  tall  and  slender.  All  wore 
long  tail  black  coats,  white  shirt  fronts  and 
neckties,  derby  or  stovepipe  hats  according  to 
height,  and  in  nine  out  of  ten  cases  were  close 
shaven.  They  would  grab  the  senator  or  con- 
gressman by  the  arm,  lead  him  off  to  one  side, 
twist  him  around  to  get  at  his  good  ear,  hold 
him  for  a  few  minutes  in  whispered  conversa- 
tion and  then  turn  him  loose  to  catch  another 
victim.  I  noted  that  some  of  the  lighter  weight 
congressmen,  —  those  from  the  small  villages 
and  rural  districts,  —  emerged  from  the  whis- 
pering seance  in  rather  a  frightened  state,  as 
though  the  sword  of  Damocles  was  hanging  over 
their  heads.  The  old  senators,  as  a  rule,  man- 
aged to  assume  a  more  dignified  air,  but  almost 
invariably  they  came  after  me  to  go  to  the  cloak 
room  with  them  for  a  minute.  At  the  time  I 
gave  very  little  thought  to  the  above  mentioned 

[32] 


Autohiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

activities,  but  have  since  learned  that  they  had 
much  to  do  with  my  fate. 

Except  for  a  few  minutes  in  the  morning  to 
pay  my  daily  respects  to  a  number  of  old-timers, 
I  was  not  in  the  Capitol  building  on  the  day  of 
the  final  vote  by  the  senate.  Great  was  my  sur- 
prise the  next  morning  when  I  learned  how 
many  of  those  whom  I  had  considered  my  truest 
friends  had  gone  against  me.  I  was  shocked, 
almost  prostrated  for  a  time,  but  finally  recov- 
ering somewhat,  made  up  my  mind  that  I  would 
go  to  my  old  chum,  Senator  Sam  Kedtop,  and 
get  him  to  tell  me  why  he  and  others  of  his  type 
had  gone  against  me  in  my  hour  of  tribulation. 
With  a  heavy  heart  I  climbed  up  the  Capitol 
steps,  wondering  how  I  would  be  greeted  by 
Sam.  He  seemed  a  little  abashed  at  first,  but 
seeing  my  calm  and  resigned  demeanor,  soon 
took  me  by  the  hand  and  led  me  off  to  the  pri- 
vacy of  his  office.  Once  behind  the  closed  door 
the  old  gentleman  lost  no  time  in  going  through 
the  usual  formalities  in  greeting  me.  My  free 
submission  to  his  caresses  seemed  to  loosen  his 
tongue,  and  it  was  not  many  minutes  before  he 
began  explaining  the  situation.    With  a  smile  of 

[33] 


Autohiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

infinite  wisdom  on  his  face  he  walked  over  to  me 
and  whispered  in  my  ear,  *  *  John,  they  can  never 
utterly  destroy  you.'*  I  wondered  what  he 
could  mean  by  these  consoling  words  and  asked 
him  to  explain.  Drawing  his  chair  directly  in 
front  of  me  he  sat  down,  resting  his  elbows  on 
his  knees,  and  delivered  himself  of  the  following 
discourse.  ^^John,  you  know  I  have  loved  you 
since  my  earliest  boyhood  when  my  father  and 
grandfather  enjoyed  your  constant  companion- 
ship in  the  old  plantation  home.  You  know  I 
have  always  had  you  with  me  and  that  you  and 
I  have  never  had  the  slightest  misunderstand- 
ing or  breach  of  friendship.  In  view  of  these 
facts  can  you,  for  one  moment,  believe  that  I 
would  have  cast  my  vote  yesterday  as  I  did,  had 
I  not  known  that  you  are  an  indestructible  old 
cuss  ?  Now  let  me  give  you  my  reasons  for  vot- 
ing against  you.  You  know,  John,  that  you  have 
been  in  the  habit  of  raising  the  devil  in  your 
saloon  life ;  that  you  have  not  confined  yourself, 
as  was  originally  intended,  to  respectable 
homes.  You  must  confess  that  in  this  saloon 
business  you  naturally  got  yourself  into  ill 
repute   with   certain   classes,   notably   certain 

[34] 


Autohiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

cliurcli  organizations  that  are  intolerant,  by- 
nature,  of  even  many  ordinary  amusements, 
such  as  card  playing,  dancing,  theatre  going 
and  all  forms  of  Sunday  recreation  except  per- 
haps walking,  joy-riding  and  discussing  the 
state  of  society  in  their  neighborhoods.  These 
churches  organized  against  you,  first  in  the 
saloon,  but  having  met  with  success  there  they 
have  now  extended  their  opposition  to  cover 
your  most  private  and  peaceful  fields  of  opera- 
tion. They  and  their  followers  have  so  aroused 
the  masses  that  there  has  gone  up  over  the 
country  a  loud  cry  of,  Mown  with  John  Barley- 
corn.' In  their  frenzy  they  have  gone  so  far 
that  they  honestly  believe  your  destruction  will 
be  an  important  step  in  establishing  universal 
domestic  happiness,  and  hastening  the  advent 
of  the  brotherhood  of  mankind. '^ 

Here  I  interrupted  the  story,  so  well  known 
to  me,  with  the  question,  ^^But  why  did  you 
find  it  incumbent  upon  yourself  to  go  against  me 
in  this  hour  of  my  tribulation,  —  why  did  you 
not  stand  by  the  spirit  of  the  American  Consti- 
tution, as  your  forefathers  would  have  doneT' 

**Very  easy  to  answer,  John:  very  easy  to 

[35] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

answer,**  he  replied,  ^^if  you  will  be  patient  and 
let  me  put  the  case  before  you.  You  must  recog- 
nize the  fact  that  your  enemies  have,  through 
such  well  organized  political  machines  as  the 
Anti-Saloon  League,  the  W.  C.  T.  U.  and  the 
like,  about  secured  control  of  legislation,  both 
national  and  state.  Thus  organized  they  have 
started  a  crusade  against  the  principles  of  per- 
sonal liberty  in  the  common  affairs  of  life  and 
individual  accountability  in  moral  conduct. 
They  have  formulated  their  private  conceptions 
of  what  should  be,  —  or  rather  what  best  suits 
their  inclinations  and  desires,  —  and  have  made 
up  their  minds  that  all  mankind  must  be  made  to 
follow.  They  have  not  the  slightest  regard  for 
the  opinions  or  wishes  of  their  fellow  men,  how- 
ever well  qualified,  intellectually  and  morally, 
the  latter  may  be  to  judge  for  themselves.  This 
is  bigotry  in  its  most  disturbing  form,  and  it 
seems  almost  beyond  belief  that  a  highly  civil- 
ized and  cultivated  people  have  permitted  them- 
selves to  come  under  its  power;  yet,  this  is 
where  we  stand  today. 

**Mark  you,  John,  that  this  movement  for 
paternalism  in  our  government  will  not  be  con- 

[36] 


AutohiograpJiif  of  John  Barleycorn 

fined  to  warfare  against  you.  It  would  restrict 
personal  liberty  along  other  lines,  and  if  per- 
mitted to  hold  sway,  will  eventually  destroy  free 
government.  Now,  my  idea  is,  that  as  we  have 
this  wave  of  bigotry  and  intolerance  wide- 
spread over  our  country,  the  surest  and  quick- 
est way  to  get  rid  of  it  is  to  help  it  along  and 
make  it  so  fierce  that  the  people  will  see  and  feel 
its  destructive  power,  and  then  rise  in  their 
might  at  the  ballot  box  for  its  extermination. 

*^Then,  as  you  can  understand,  I  had  two 
reasons  for  voting  on  your  case  as  your  enemies 
wished ;  first,  as  I  said  before,  it  can  not  destroy 
my  old  friend,  John  Barleycorn;  and  second,  I 
want  the  people  of  America  to  learn,  once  for 
all  time,  that  they  will  be  ground  into  the  dust 
if  they  permit  a  narrow-minded  class  to  rule  the 
the  country.  They  can  only  learn  this  lesson 
when  they  have  been  brought  to  realization  of 
the  full  intent  of  these  would-be  reformers,  and 
my  honest  belief  is  that  the  latter  will  not  be 
long  in  boldly  declaring  themselves.  We  have 
already  heard  mutterings  of  other  steps  that 
they  will  take  to  put  personal  liberty  far  in  the 
background  of  American  life. 

[37] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

**You  may  perhaps  feel  that  this  reform 
movement  might  have  been  nipped  in  the  bud 
by  more  strenuous  efforts  on  the  part  of  the 
older  heads  in  the  Congress,  but  not  so.  A  few 
of  us  carefully  canvassed  the  situation,  and 
found  that  we  could  do  nothing  against  the 
powerful  political  machines  of  which  I  have 
spoken.  We  found,  as  you  saw  in  your  visits  to 
the  Capitol,  that  the  lobbies  were  filled  with 
petticoats  and  other  long-tailed  coats,  coaxing 
and  threatening  those  members  who  wavered  in 
support  of  their  pet  schemes.  Not  only  did  they 
use  all  the  ordinary,  and  a  few  new  methods  of 
political  maneuvering,  but  took  advantage  of 
the  excitement  and  hurry  of  war  preparation. 
In  fact,  during  all  my  long  career  in  the  senate, 
I  never  witnessed  better  laid  plans  for  pressing 
through  legislation  than  were  adopted  and  car- 
ried out  by  those  most  innocent  looking  people. 
And  with  what  wonderful  versatility  of  per- 
suasive powers  were  they  gifted!  The  range 
seemed  to  be  from  the  gentle  words  of  the  sup- 
pliant before  the  throne  of  idealism,  to  the  fierce 
threats  against  all  aspirants  for  political  honors 
who  turned  a  deaf  ear  to  their  demands.*' 

[38] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

At  this  point  the  old  gentleman  stopped  in  his 
discourse  and  complained  of  a  decided  dryness 
in  his  throat.  By  a  single  effort  I  so  effectively 
lubricated  the  offending  organ  that  he  breathed 
a  sigh  of  relief,  and  would  probably  have  said 
more  about  my  undoing  in  the  Congress  had  I 
not  changed  the  subject  by  asking  why  my 
enemies  bore  me  such  intense  hatred.  I  had  my 
private  opinions,  but  wished  to  know  if  he  could 
throw  any  new  light  on  the  subject.  He  hesitated 
a  moment  before  replying  somewhat  as  follows : 
^'Your  enemies  of  whom  I  have  been  speaking 
have  no  personal  reasons  for  really  hating  you. 
They  are  simply  using  you  as  one  of  the  instru- 
ments through  which  they  hope  to  establish  such 
general  control  of  human  affairs  as  will  enable 
them  to  limit  man's  luxuries  and  pleasures  to 
conform  to  their  creed.  In  other  words,  they 
are  guided  by  the  spirit  of  bigotry,  or  intoler- 
ance, rather  than  by  any  feeling  of  personal 
hatred.  But,  you  have  other  enemies  who  care 
nothing  for  the  Anti-Saloon  League 's  activities 
beyond  their  application  to  your  case ;  who  are 
fond  of  the  general  run  of  luxuries,  and  are  most 
zealous  in  claiming  their  right  to  select  their 

[39] 


Aiitohiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

sources  of  innocent  enjoyment  of  life.  These 
may  be  termed  your  exclusive  enemies,  belong- 
ing to  a  class  by  themselves.  They  can  not  be 
classed  as  bigots,  but  they  possess  a  large  meas- 
ure of  the  unenviable  principle  of  selfishness. 
Among  them  is  the  man,  who,  having  found 
after  repeated  efforts  that  he  is  unable  to  asso- 
ciate with  you  in  a  decent  and  modest  way,  turns 
his  back  upon  you  and  does  all  within  his  power 
to  break  up  the  pleasant  relations  between  his 
neighbor  and  you.  Another  example  of  this 
class  is  the  man  who,  being  so  unfortunate  as  to 
have  a  son  who  gets  himself  into  trouble  when 
under  your  influence,  insists  that  for  this  per- 
sonal reason,  he  is  perfectly  right  in  denying 
you  to  the  whole  human  race,  notwithstanding 
the  fact  that  he  is  surrounded  by  good  men  and 
women  who  find  a  great  deal  of  innocent  plea- 
sure in  you.  Consider  them  as  we  may,  we  find 
that  selfishness  is  at  the  bottom  of  their  hatred 
for  you.  It  is  true  that  the  man  with  the  prod- 
igal son  appears  before  the  public  robed  in  the 
silken  garb  of  paternal  love,  but  close  inspection 
will  reveal  an  inner  lining  of  the  coarser  fabric 
of  selfishness.    Would  it  not  be  nobler  in  such 

[40] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

people  to  accept  and  bear  their  misfortunes, 
without  trying  to  interfere  with  their  good 
neighbors  in  the  enjoyment  of  life? 

**Your  freedom  is  opposed  by  one  other  man 
about  whom  it  is  just  and  right  that  I  have  a  few 
words  to  say.  He  is  not  one  of  your  personal 
enemies  in  any  sense;  on  the  contrary  he  has 
always  been  rather  fond  of  your  society,  and 
would  encourage  rather  than  oppose  your  free- 
dom were  it  not  that  he  looks  upon  you  as  what 
the  world  terms  a  Tempter;  a  creature  that 
sometimes  leads  the  inexperienced  youth  and 
the  weak  man  astray.  The  good  man  is  moved 
by  a  most  noble  impulse,  and  says  to  himself,  *I 
will  forego  the  great  pleasure  that  I  find  in  dear 
old  John  Barleycorn,  —  only  indulging  it  now 
and  then  in  secluded  places,  —  and  henceforth 
become  my  brother *s  keeper.'  This  spirit  of 
self-sacrifice  must  always  elicit  highest  praise, 
but  does  it  not  sometimes  conflict  with  the  eter- 
nal fitness  of  things  in  human  life  1  I  think  that 
it  does,  for  I  believe,  that  for  reasons  beyond 
man's  finite  mind  to  fathom,  temptation  is  here 
to  play  its  appointed  part  in  the  drama  of 
human  life,  and  that  man  has  no  power  to  so 

[41] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

change  his  souPs  environments  that  he  can  go 
through  life  unhampered  by  this  inheritance 
from  the  Garden  of  Eden.  I  believe,  on  the 
contrary,  that  Man's  highest  duty  is  to  meet 
temptation  face  to  face,  and  by  the  power  of  his 
soul,  aided  by  the  Divine  Spirit,  fight  and  sub- 
due it.  Then  comes  his  reward,  —  a  higher, 
nobler  and  more  nearly  perfect  manhood.  No, 
John,  I  would  not,  if  I  could,  go  before  and  re- 
move all  temptation  from  the  road  that  my 
fellow  man  is  to  travel,  nor  would  I  attempt  to 
lead  him  around  by  secret  paths  lined  only  by 
the  flowers  of  innocence.  I  would  not  know 
how  my  innocent  charge  might  be  received  at  the 
Gates  of  Paradise.  Saint  Peter  might  say  to 
the  untried  soul,  *  return  to  Earth  and  be 
tempted,  even  as  the  Christ  was  temptedM'^ 

^'Then,  let  the  self-sacrificing  man  be  his 
brother's  keeper  in  misfortune;  holding  out  to 
him  the  hand  of  love  in  distress,  giving  aid  in 
material  suffering,  and  by  kind  words  of  advice 
and  counsel  help  him  meet  and  subdue  the 
enemies  of  his  soul.  He  can  not,  however,  hide 
temptation  under  a  mantle  of  human  laws,  nor 
should  he  make  a  moral  coward  of  his  brother 

[42] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

by  encouraging  him  to  shun  responsibilities  that 
a  mysterious,  but  unquestionable  inheritance 
has  placed  upon  every  human  being. 

*^Now,''  he  continued,  ^^I  have  tried  to  briefly 
picture  your  case  as  I  see  it.  We  can  not  stem 
the  tide  against  you  at  this  time,  but  I  firmly 
believe  that  the  American  people  will  eventually 
see  to  what  point  they  are  drifting  on  the  tide  of 
fanaticism,  and  will  so  re-organize  the  law- 
making bodies  that  Eepublican  equilibrium  will 
again  be  established  in  this  free  country.  The 
reaction  must  come  directly  from  the  people,  — 
not  through  the  Congress  as  it  is  at  present 
organized. 

In  the  meantime  you  must  be  prepared  to 
suffer,  even  to  the  point  of  having  your  precious 
old  neck  twisted  in  the  formality  of  execution. 
But,  through  it  all  you  can  remember  that  many 
efforts  have  heretofore  been  made  to  put  you 
out  of  existence,  and  that  not  one  has  been  en- 
tirely successful.  The  fact  is,  John,  you  seem  to 
rival  the  proverbial  old  house  cat  in  the  role  of 
recrudescence.'^ 

After  a  moment  of  hesitation  the  old  gentle- 
man sighed,  and  thus  concluded  his  dissertation, 

[43] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

'^John,  I  have  been  watching  the  state  of  the 
world  for  some  time,  and  have  about  come  to  the 
conclusion  that  something  is  radically  wrong  in 
human  affairs.  The  so-called  civilized  world 
seems  to  be  on  the  verge  of  insanity  in  one  form 
or  another,  and  unless  the  proper  remedy  is 
applied  very  soon  there  can  be  no  accounting  for 
the  results.  The  remedy  is  not  to  be  found  in 
legislation  of  a  purely  moral  nature,  as  some 
people  seem  to  think.  Among  an  intelligent 
people,  whose  personal  rights  are  attacked,  this 
kind  of  legislation  only  fans  the  flames  of  dis- 
content, and  adds  to  the  general  confusion. 

*  ^  The  world  is  sadly  in  need  of  great  spiritual 
leaders ;  men  with  unbiased  minds  and  unselfish 
souls,  who  can  show  humanity  the  pathway  of 
Love  that  must  be  followed  before  there  can  be 
hope  of  finding  the  haven  where  *  peace  on  earth 
and  good  will  towards  men'  prevails.  The  goal 
will  never  be  reached  while  man  follows  the 
leadership  of  fanatical  reformers,  whose  soul- 
vision  is  obscured  by  their  self-made,  coercive 
moral  laws.'' 

Out  of  the  foregoing  talk  I  obtained  no  little 
consolation,  yet  I  must  confess  that  after  I  had 

[44] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

left  Sam^s  sanctum,  there  remained  with  me  a 
decided  feeling  of  discomfiture.  Had  the  old 
senator  not  been  so  confident  in  regard  to  my 
indestructibility,  and  reminded  me  of  previous 
futile  attempts  at  my  life,  I  honestly  believe 
that  I  would  have  sought  safety  in  lands  be- 
yond the  seas.  After  much  worrying,  how- 
ever, I  finally  decided  to  accept  the  situation  as 
best  I  could,  resting  upon  the  old  adage,  ^*  suf- 
ficient unto  the  dav  is  the  evil  thereof. '  * 


[45] 


CHAPTER  III 

AT  LAST  the  fatal  day  was  appointed  on 
which  I,  John  Barleycorn,  was  to  pass 
away  from  the  face  of  this  fair  land  of 
America.  January  16,  1920,  was  the  date  fixed 
upon.  My  friends  made  the  most  of  me  during 
the  few  months  that  preceded,  and  I  must  say 
that  we  had  some  gay  times  together,  —  very 
natural  in  the  circumstances,  don't  you  think, 
kind  reader?  Rich  friends  stored  me  away  in 
all  sorts  of  dark  and  dismal  chambers  of  their 
cellars  and  elsewhere,  trusting  that  I  would  not 
be  found.  The  less  fortunate  in  worldly  goods 
went  earnestly  to  work  in  efforts  to  devise 
methods  of  bringing  me  to  life  again  after  my 
execution.  You  may  not  believe  it,  but  it  is  an 
absolute  truth,  that  the  above  mentioned  activi- 
ties were  engaged  in  by  millions  of  my  openly 
avowed  enemies  on  election  day.  Perhaps  many 
of  them  were  of  the  same  type  as  Sam  Redtop, 
at  least  I  will  be  charitable  enough  to  believe  so. 
It  was  difficult  for  my  enemies  to  decide  upon 
the  manner  of  putting  me  to  death.    Some  were 

[46] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

in  favor  of  hanging,  others  thought  that  electro- 
cution was  about  the  thing,  while  not  a  few  of 
the  most  bitter  in  their  hatred  wanted  me 
burned  at  the  stake.  It  was  under  consideration, 
I  heard,  for  quite  a  time,  but  at  last  all  of  the 
above  methods  were  discarded  and,  strangely 
enough,  drowning  was  selected  as  the  most 
practicable.  The  reasons  given  for  not  selecting 
one  of  the  first  mentioned  methods  were,  that 
my  neck  was  too  small  for  hanging,  that  I  was 
too  high  strung  in  nervous  energy  to  be  electro- 
cuted and  too  wet  to  be  consumed  by  any  ordi- 
nary fire. 

January  16th  will  ever  be  a  memorable  day  to 
me  in  the  year's  calendar.  I  shall  never  forget 
to  give  it  a  shivering  thought,  for  on  that  date 
1920,  A.  D.  I  underwent  all  the  tortures  of  a 
horrible  death,  and  yet  live  to  tell  the  tale. 

It  was  at  the  hour  of  midnight,  when  certain 
church  bells  began  to  ring  out  their  joyful  peals 
that  the  procession  moved.  I  was  escorted  by  a 
long  line  of  moralists  bearing  banners  and 
torches  and  making  night  hideous  with  their 
loud  shouts  of  ^^John  Barleycorn  must  die.*' 
They  had  immediate  charge  of  the  proceedings, 

[47] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

but  behind,  in  mournful  silence,  marched  mil- 
lions of  my  good  friends  who  were  powerless  to 
stay  the  mighty  hand  of  the  law.  They  could 
only  pay  their  last  tribute  of  respect  and  love  to 
poor  old  John  Barleycorn  by  following  him  to 
his  watery  grave. 

The  water  looked  bitter  cold,  with  snow- 
capped ice  floes  floating  by,  and  as  I  stood  upon 
the  brink,  an  uncomfortable  chill  played  along 
the  region  of  my  spine.  While  I  was  not  exactly 
paralysed  by  fear,  I  can  not  say  that  I  was  at  all 
calm.  However,  knowing  that  I  was  innocent, 
by  ninety  per  cent,  of  the  crimes  for  which  I  had 
been  tried  and  condemned  I  braced  myself  to 
meet  death  with  as  brave  a  heart  as  possible.  I 
was  also  given  strength  at  the  last  moment  by 
remembering  the  words  of  old  Sam  Redtop,  — 
**John,  they  can  never  utterly  destroy  you," 
and  with  these  hopeful  words  tingling  in  my 
ears  I  was  roughly  tumbled  into  the  icy  stream. 
— But,  what  joyful  surprise  burst  into  my  heart! 
My  executioners  had  bungled  the  dirty  work  in, 
what  was  to  me,  a  most  unexpected  but  delight- 
fully surprising  manner ;  they  forgot  to  weight 
m^  .down  with  a  heavy  stone  or  bar  of  iron. 

[48] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

They  certainly  must  have  known  that  I  am 
scarcely  heavier  than  water,  but  had  forgotten 
it  in  the  haste  of  satisfy  their  hate. 

On  account  of  the  above  oversight,  I  had  much 
diflSculty  in  keeping  myself  submerged  until  I 
had  drifted  far  enough  from  the  spot  to  venture 
coming  to  the  surface  and  working  my  way  to 
the  shore.  At  the  proper  time  landing  was 
easily  accomplished,  but  oh!  how  bitter  cold!  I 
shook  myself  like  a  wet  dog,  embraced  myself 
freely  and  sat  down  to  meditate.  ^'Here  you 
are,'*  I  said  to  myself,  ** rescued  from  an  igno- 
minious death,  fulfilling  the  prophesy  of  Sam 
Redtop,  but  while  alive  in  this  land  of  free  men 
you  must  henceforth  be  a  hunted  fugitive  from 
justice;  you  must  no  more  be  seen  in  public 
places,  and  when  you  meet  your  friends  it  must 
be  in  the  privacy  of  their  homes  behind  locked 
doors  or  in  secret  underground  chambers  where 
the  eye  of  the  law  can  not  discover  you.  There 
are  no  arenas  into  which  you  may  be  thrown 
to  the  ravenous  beast  for  the  edification  of  your 
enemies,  but  if  caught  your  throat  will  probably 
be  cut  and  your  life  blood  poured  into  the  gutter 


[49] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

These  were  far  from  pleasant  thoughts,  but 
they  would  crowd  into  my  mind  despite  all 
efforts  to  drive  them  away.  Had  it  not  been  that 
I  was  now  impressed  with  the  idea  of  being 
immune  from  death,  as  Sam  had  more  than 
hinted  at,  I  would  have  ended  it  all  there  and 
then  by  seeking  oblivion  in  the  cold  waters  from 
which  fate  had  rescued  me. 

As  I  sat  for  a  few  minutes  longer  on  the  beach 
I  heard  the  bells  in  the  distance  still  joyfully 
ringing  over  my  death,  and  I  thought  I  could 
catch  faint  sounds  of  laughter  from  those  who 
hated  me.  When  I  arose  at  last  and  started  on 
my  way,  the  feeling  came  over  me  that  I  was 
going  out  into  the  dark  night  of  fanatical  intol- 
erance, to  be  pursued  by  its  demons  of  selfish- 
ness and  hate;  that  turn  where  I  may,  the  un- 
forgiving spirit  of  forced  moralism  would  re- 
joice over  my  degradation,  and  that  the  same 
spirit  would  be  ever  ready  to  vent  its  hatred 
upon  those  of  my  friends  who  dared  to  retain 
the  slightest  semblance  of  devotion  for  me. 
Perhaps  it  would  have  been  better,  for  those 
who  I  knew  would  hold  on  to  me,  if  I  had  not 
been  rescued  from  the  fangs  of  death,  but  hav- 

[50] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

ing  been  endowed  with  seeming  perpetual  life, 
I  could  only  go  forth  with  the  consoling  hope 
that  I  might  not  be  the  cause  of  more  physical 
pain  and  mental  anguish  than  would  have  been 
overbalanced  in  suffering  by  my  complete 
extinction. 

The  morning  following  the  eventful  night 
found  me  once  more  in  company  with  not  a  few 
of  my  old  friends,  and  strange  to  say  many  of 
them  did  not  appear  to  be  much  surprised  that 
I  was  still  alive.  I  suppose  they  had  been  talk- 
ing to  Sam  Eedtop.  What  impressed  me  most 
was  the  ingenuity  displayed  in  protecting  me 
from  my  enemies.  It  would  simply  be  a  waste 
of  time  to  attempt  a  rehearsal  of  the  ways  and 
means  employed  by  different  ones  for  taking 
care  of  me,  nor  would  it  be  ethical  on  my  part  to 
even  hint  at  the  least  plausible.  Suffice  it  to  say 
that  I  felt  fairly  safe  for  the  time  being,  though 
subsequent  events  have  rendered  it  necessary 
for  them  to  go  deeper  in  a  study  of  the  prob- 
lems ;  the  minions  of  the  law  have  not  been  idle 
by  any  means. 

As  time  passed  the  contest  between  the  two 
factions  became  more  and  more  exciting,  and 

[51] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

sometimes  quite  amusing  to  a  looker-on.  I, 
being  the  bone  of  contention,  found  myself  in  all 
kinds  of  difficulties;  oft  times  kidnapped  and 
held  for  ransom  at  a  high  price ;  roughly  handled 
and  my  life  blood  spilled  upon  the  ground; 
smuggled  through  underground  channels  to  a 
supposed  place  of  safety,  only  to  be  pounced 
upon  and  rushed  off  to  my  captor's  secret  closet 
for  convenient  fellowship ;  the  object  of  theft  on 
all  sides ;  the  cause  of  shooting  melees  between 
the  opposing  sides,  and  no  telling  how  many 
other  rough  experiences,  without  trying  to  enu- 
merate the  amusing  occurrences  that  daily  came 
to  make  the  drama  complete.  All  of  this  is 
being  made  a  part  of  American  history  for 
future  generations  to  ponder  over,  while  those 
of  the  present  day  know  it  too  well  for  me  to 
waste  time  in  trying  to  embody  it  in  this  brief 
biography.  I  dare  say,  that  there  are  not  many 
of  the  passing  period  who  have  not  some  per- 
sonal knowledge  of  the  state  of  affairs. 


[52] 


CHAPTER  IV 

TIME  has  passed  until  it  is  now  three  years 
since  the  unsuccessful  attempt  was  made 
to  put  an  end  to  my  life.  These  have  been 
eventful  years,  not  only  with  me  but  to  the 
people  of  the  country.  As  for  myself,  it  is  quite 
evident  that  I  am  still  able  to  be  ^'up  and 
about. "  As  to  the  condition  of  the  country,  I  do 
not  know  what  others  may  think,  but  from  re- 
ports brought  to  my  secret  sanctum,  everything 
seems  to  be  more  or  less  upset,  with  never  be- 
fore as  much  restlessness,  discontent  and  the 
naturally  accompanying  amount  of  crime  among 
the  American  people.  It  is  not  for  me  to  offer 
suggestions  as  to  the  cause,  or  causes,  for  this 
state  of  the  country ;  only  permit  me  to  deny  one 
serious  accusation  that  has  been  brought  against 
me  in  connection  with  the  numberless  murders 
that  have  been  committed  during  this  period. 
I  have  been  accused  of  committing  cold-blooded 
murders  in  quite  a  number  of  cases ;  —  this  is 
absolutely  false.  It  is  true,  no  doubt,  that 
murders  have  been  committed  by  a  class  of 

[53] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

creatures,  masquerading  in  my  clothes,  and  in- 
troduced to  the  unsuspecting  public  by  unprin- 
cipled agents  known  as  ^  ^  bootleggers. '  *  Now,  I 
positively  deny  any  blood  kinship  with  these 
murderers.  They  were  not  bred  and  born  in  the 
aromatic  atmosphere  of  beautiful  vineyards, 
nor  can  they  boast  that  their  ancestors  came 
from  that  sturdy  and  vigorous  stock,  who  find 
sustenance  in  the  com,  rye,  and  barley  fields  of 
the  world.  No,  these  murderers  are  the  direct 
product  of  that  dry  and  arid  region  prepared  by 
the  so-called  Anti-Saloon  League,  where  the 
venomous  serpent  crawls,  and  from  whence  the 
suffocating  dust  of  Intolerance  is  wafted  by  the 
winds  of  Fanaticism  over  the  good  people  of 
this  land.  I  repeat,  that  they  are  no  kinsmen  of 
mine,  and  if  I  am  ever  permitted  to  return  in  a 
state  of  freedom,  I  will  see  that  their  hellish 
activities  cease. 

This  suggests  the  question,  will  I,  John 
Barleycorn,  ever  be  a  free  inhabitant  of  the 
American  soil  again  I 

This  question  has  been  so  impressed  upon  me 
of  late  by  various  rumors  coming  to  me,  that  I 
crept  into  Washington  one  dark  night  last  week 

[54] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

to  interview  my  old  friend,  Sam  Redtop,  on  the 
subject.  Sam  and  I  have,  of  course,  been  in 
more  or  less  touch  with  each  other  ever  since  our 
conference  in  his  private  office  at  the  Capitol 
three  years  ago,  but  we  have  not  indulged  in  any 
serious  discussion  of  my  case;  our  meetings  have 
been  strictly  social,  with  only  passing  references 
to  what  was  being  done  in  the  way  of  chasing  the 
escaped  criminal.  As  had  been  my  habit  on 
former  visits,  I  stole  through  dark  alleys  and 
by  the  least  frequented  streets  to  the  back  en- 
trance to  Sam's  apartments,  arriving  about  mid- 
night. The  old  gentleman  met  me  at  the  door  in 
response  to  our  arranged  signal  of  two  light, 
followed  after  five  seconds'  pause  by  one  hard, 
raps.  We  were  soon  going  through  the  formali- 
ties of  hearty  greetings  in  his  cozy  bachelor 
quarters,  and  when  these  ceremonies  were  duly 
accomplished,  I  informed  him  that  I  had  come  to 
get  his  opinion  upon  the  question  of  my  return 
to  free  citizenship  in  the  country.  The  old 
gentleman  smiled,  and  after  a  moment's  reflec- 
tion for  formulating  his  words,  gave  me  the 
following  results  of  his  observations : — ^  ^  John, ' ' 
he  said,  ^'you  know  that  your  case  has  never 

[55] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

been  submitted  to  a  vote  of  the  people  of  these 
United  States;  that  you  were  tried,  convicted 
and  sentenced  by  the  National  Congress,  and 
the  action  later  ratified  by  the  legislatures  of  a 
sufficient  number  of  the  States.  In  others  words, 
your  fate  was  decided  by  only  a  few  thousand 
out  of  the  110,000,000  people.  It  is  true  that 
the  Congress  and  the  Legislatures  were  elected 
by  a  vote  of  the  people,  but  you  can  remember 
that  the  leading  idea  (except  in  the  Anti- 
Saloon  League)  in  those  by- gone  days  was  to 
close  the  saloons.  The  number  of  voters  who 
went  against  the  saloon  under  the  impression, 
— implied  or  promised, — that  you  would  be  per- 
mitted to  visit  them  in  their  homes  from  time  to 
time,  can  not  be  fully  estimated,  though  we  are 
hearing  from  them  on  all  sides.  They  were 
grossly  misled  as  to  the  ultimate  intention  of 
your  deadly  enemies,  and  are  now  clamoring 
for  the  opportunity  to  right  the  wrong.  Then, 
it  is  well  known  that  at  the  time  you  were  con- 
demned the  country  was  in  a  state  of  war  and 
everything  was  in  a  more  or  less  chaotic  condi- 
tion; that  it  was  a  period  when  idealists  and 
fanatics  could  get  in  their  works  to  best  advan- 

•  [56] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

tage.  I  have  no  doubt  that  when  the  time  comes 
for  the  people  to  vote  upon  your  case,  the  Anti- 
Saloon  League  and  its  allied  political  associa- 
tions, will  find  themselves  minus  a  very  large 
vote  which  went  with  them  under  misunder- 
standings of  their  real  intentions,  or  was  cast 
blindly  and  without  serious  thought  of  the  con- 
sequences. In  other  words,  those  who  were  in 
favor  of  closing  the  saloons  without  killing  or 
driving  you  out  of  the  country,  will  not  be  de- 
ceived in  the  future,  and  those  who  were  blinded 
by  idealism  have  had  their  eyes  opened  by  the 
unfortunate  condition  into  which  the  country 
has  been  plunged  by  attempts  at  human  regen- 
eration through  the  owlish  wisdom  of  the  fanati- 
cal minority. 

*^0n  the  other  hand,  the  vote  against  your 
return  will,  it  now  seems,  be  augmented  some- 
what by  the  vote  of  the  following  classes  of 
people  who  are  reaping  rich  harvests  in  profi- 
teering by  virtue  of  your  humiliation;  —  boot- 
leggers, moonshiners,  smugglers,  many  munici- 
pal police,  a  long  list  of  hired  prohibition  agents 
and  unscrupulous  politicians.  These  classes  will 
rub  elbows  around  the  prohibition  ballot  box 

[57] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

with  the  Anti-Saloon  League  and  its  support- 
ers, of  whatever  caste,  in  efforts  to  prevent  re- 
peal of  the  present  laws,  for  it  would  not  be 
natural  for  them  to  kill  the  goose  that  lays  the 
golden  egg. 

**What  a  remarkable  state  of  affairs!  Two 
classes  of  people,  now  killing  each  other  over  a 
law  that  they  will  unite  in  trying  to  perpetuate 
at  the  ballot  box!  This  alone  should  convince 
any  intelligent  man  or  woman  that  there  is 
something  wrong  in  the  18th  Amendment  of  the 
Constitution. '  ^ 

'  *  Do  you  think,  * '  I  asked,  '  *  that  a  popular 
vote  will  be  taken?  ^' 

**Yes,"  he  replied,  *' without  a  doubt  that 
time  is  coming,  though  the  conditions  may  not 
be  quite  ripe  for  it.  It  will  come  in  a  presi- 
dential election, — possibly  in  1924, — and  I  pre- 
dict that  it  will  be  the  most  bitter  political 
contest  ever  engaged  in  by  the  American  people. 
It  will  be  a  contest  quite  different  from  the  usual 
fight  between  Republican  and  Democrat  for 
political  control.  Great  and  vital  principles  will 
be  at  stake,  involving  the  right  or  wrong  of 
personal  liberty  in  a  free  government, — indi- 

[58] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

vidual  rights  and  moral  accountability  against 
class  legislation  and  the  spirit  of  intolerance 
and  oppression.  It  will  arouse  ill-feeling  in 
social  and  business  clubs;  put  neighbor  against 
neighbor;  create  dissension  and  unhappiness  in 
the  family  circle  by  arraying  husband  and  wife, 
father  and  son  or  brother  and  sister  against 
each  other;  weaken  the  bond  of  brotherhood 
that  should  hold  members  of  the  same  church 
together,  and  probably  draw  political  lines  be- 
tween great  religious  organizations. ' ' 

After  a  moment 's  pause,  he  indulged  in  a  brief 
soliloquy; — '^Personal  liberty!  Personal  liberty! 
Often  sneered  at  these  days  by  people  who,  but  a 
few  years  ago,  cherished  it  as  their  most 
glorious  inheritance.  Is  it  to  die  now?  No,  I 
can  not  believe  it. ' ' 

Turning  to  me  again  he  said,  **John,  what 
puerile, — what  idiotic, — excuses  are  now  offered 
by  presumedly  intelligent  people  for  turning 
their  backs  upon  the  principle  of  personal 
liberty!  They  claim  that  my  right  to  associate 
with  you,  for  instance,  should  be  denied  by 
human  legislation  on  the  same  principle  that 
murder,   theft   and   other  natural   crimes   are 

[59] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

banned  by  the  laws  of  God.    They  do  not  seem 
able  to  draw  distinction  between  those  great 
moral  laws  that  are  indelibly  fixed  in  the  human 
conscience  by  the  Divine  Spirit,  and  those  other 
wonld-be  moral  laws  that  are  born  of  human 
selfishness  and  intolerance.    Would  they  place 
in   the   same   category   those   Divine  laws,   in 
obeying  which  normal  man  finds  his  highest 
happiness,  and  those  other  moral  laws  made  by 
erring  humanity  that  often  bring  discord  and 
discontent?    What  absolute  folly  for  the  fanatic 
to  even  intimate  that  an  intelligent  man  would 
wish  to  erase  the  former  from  the  tablets  of  his 
conscience,  and  how  profound  the  spirit  of  in- 
tolerance that  would,  with  the  latter,  crush  per- 
sonal liberty  and  thereby  threaten  the  stability 
of  free  government!    And,  does  a  moral  law, 
enacted  by  political  strategy  or  through  a  false 
conception  of  what  is  just,  immediately  become 
so  sacred  that  it  should  not  and  can  not  be 
repealed !    The  Lord  forbid ! ' ' 

A  few  pulls  at  his  brierwood  pipe,  and  he 
continued;  '^ Pardon  my  little  digression,  John, 
but  you  know  that  personal  liberty  is  one  of  my 
hobbies  and  I  have  to  turn  loose  on  it  now  and 

[60] 


Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

then.  In  fact,  I  am  really  proud  to  say  that  I 
have  not  come  to  the  point  of  being  in  the  least 
ashamed  that  the  old  spirit  is  still  in  my  soul. 
Yes,  I  can  sing  that  grand  old  anthem  'My 
Country,  Tis  of  Thee  ^  with  as  clear  a  conscience 
as  I  could  in  days  gone  by,  but  you  know  that 
when  I  hear  some  people  trying  to  sing  it  in 
these  days,  I  wonder  what  is  the  matter  with 
them.  As  Uncle  Remus  would  say,  'Dey  seem 
ter  be  sufferin  f rum  er  internal  misery.  ^ 

'' Returning  to  the  question  of  a  popular  vote 
in  your  case,  let  us  briefly  consider  it  from 
another  standpoint;  let  us  look  at  the  state  of 
the  country  after  three  years  of  your  prohibi- 
tion, and  see  if  the  beautiful  dream  of  the 
moralist  has  not  developed  into  a  nightmare  of 
lawlessness.  The  18th  Amendment  was  written 
into  the  Constitution  more  than  three  years  ago, 
and  since  then,  legislation,  national  and  state, 
has  gone  to  extreme  lengths  in  fruitless  efforts 
to  destroy  you  or  drive  you  out  of  the  country; 
an  armed  force  of  hired  sleuths  has  been  organ- 
ized to  enforce  legislation;  and  the  Anti-Saloon 
League,  W.  C.  T.  U.,  and  allied  would-be  re- 
formatory organizations  have  done  all  in  their 

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Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

power  to  assist  enforcement.  Under  it  all, 
criminal  dockets  have  multiplied  beyond  the 
ability  of  courts  to  handle  them,  jails  are  filled 
to  overflowing  and  brutal  murders  over  your 
case  have  been  the  order  of  the  day.  With  the 
above  agencies  at  work,  your  enemies  are  fret- 
ting and  wondering  why  enforcement  is  a 
failure.  Just  why  has  it  been  a  failure,  John? 
Is  it  due  to  a  combination  of  such  causes  as 
dearth  of  laws,  insufficient  or  inefficient  armed 
force,  disinterestedness  of  court  and  jury  and 
inadequate  punishments  ?  No,  not  by  any  means. 
The  failure  to  enforce  any  moral  law  upon  an 
intelligent,  free-thinking  and  freedom-loving 
people  against  their  honest  convictions,  can 
only  be  traced  to  something  radically  wrong  in 
the  spirit  of  the  law  itself,  and  the  only  sane 
method  of  overcoming  the  evil  of  non-enforce- 
ment is  to  strike  at  its  roots;  simply  repeal  the 
obnoxious,  strife-breeding  law.  When  Ameri- 
can common  sense  has  prevailed  over  fanaticism 
the  unjust  and  oppressive  laws  against  you  will 
be  repealed,  restoring  personal  liberty  to 
110,000,000  people  without  denying  it  to  one 

[62] 


Aid  Ohio  graphy  of  John  Barleycorn 

individual,  and  substituting  peace  and  good-will 
for  strife  and  discord. 

^^But,  your  misguided  enemies  seem  as  deeply 
imbued  with  the  spirit  of  intolerance  as  were 
the  Inquisitores  during  their  reign  of  terror. 
They  would  crush  liberty  of  thought,  and  substi- 
tute the  principle  of  coercion  for  the  spirit  of 
Love  in  establishing  that  mutual  trust  and  good 
will  between  man  and  man,  by  which  the  world 
may  be  made  better.  They  will  find  that  their 
intolerance  and  oppression  will  not  be  meekly 
accepted  in  this  enlightened  age;  that  a  20th 
Century  Christianized  nation  does  not  want,  and 
can  not  accept,  a  code  of  man-made  moral  laws 
out  of  harmony  with  the  true  spirit  of  its  reli- 
gion, and  while  acceptable  to  one  half  of  the 
people,  is  so  obnoxious  to  the  other  half  that 
enforcement  becomes  impossible.  I  repeat,  that 
the  law  against  your  participation  in  human 
affairs  is  one  of  those  man-made  moral  laws ;  the 
first  of  its  kind  in  this  nation, — the  initial  step 
towards  a  reign  of  bigotry  and  oppression.  I 
say  it  is  '  ^  the  first  of  its  kind, ' '  and  let  me  add 
that  had  it  been  successful  in  its  operation, 
there  would  have  been  others  like  it  ere  this. 

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Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

*^Will  the  true  American  people  stand  for 
this  ?  Again  I  predict  an  early  realization  of  the 
dangers  that  beset  us  for  I  have  confidence  in 
the  sanity  of  a  large  majority  of  the  people  of 
this  country.  They  need  only  to  stop  and  think 
for  a  moment. 

**But,  as  I  said  before,  the  time  for  action 
may  not  be  quite  ripe ;  maybe  the  people  are  not 
sufficiently  impressed,  needing  a  little  more 
grinding  to  a  finer  point  of  oppression  to  bring 
them  to  their  senses.  Well,  if  that  is  what  the 
people  of  this  country  want,  I  am  ready  to  help 
give  it  to  them.  I  shall  pursue  the  same  course 
in  other  legislation  of  a  purely  moral  nature 
that  I  pursued  in  your  case.  Yes,  I  stand  ready 
to  vote  for  the  bluest  kind  of  Sunday  Blue  Laws 
and  almost  anything  else  whereby  personal 
liberty  may  be  brought  to  its  lowest  ebb.  But, 
I  do  not  now  believe  that  such  strenuous 
measures  will  be  necessary.  I  believe  that  the 
lawlessness,  the  dishonesty,  the  bitter  feeling 
and  the  loss  of  human  life  brought  about  by  the 
18th  Amendment  and  its  subsequent  enforce- 
ment laws  will  be  enough  to  bring  back  the 
peaceful  and  happy  days  of  yore  without  further 

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Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

reminders  of  the  evil  that  bigotry  can  accom- 
plish." 

Once  more  I  was  encouraged  by  Sam  Redtop  's 
words,  and  not  wishing  to  keep  him  out  of  bed 
longer,  arose  to  leave  his  apartment.  With 
many  thanks,  not  forgetting  the  parting  smile, 
I  went  out  into  the  night,  dodging  lights  and 
through  back  streets  and  alleys.  Arriving  safely 
in  my  sanctum  I  sat  down  to  bring  this  brief 
account  of  myself  to  a  close. 

After  my  interview  with  dear  old  Sam  I  could 
but  feel  that  some  day  I  would  once  more  be- 
come a  free  citizen  of  America,  and  it  made  my 
heart  glad.  Be  it  understood,  however,  that  I, 
John  Barleycorn,  would  seriously  object  to  com- 
ing back  if  I  am  to  have  any  such  abode  as  the 
slatted-door  saloon.  Not  only  that,  but  I  would 
insist  upon  having  all  members  of  my  family 
subjected  to  a  careful  examination  by  compe- 
tent government  agents,  to  determine  their  fit- 
ness for  association  with  mankind ;  also  I  would 
ask  that  the  unfit  among  mankind  be  debarred 
from  imposing  themselves  upon  my  society.  I 
consider  this  last  precaution  quite  important 
for  maintaining  my  dignity  and  good  reputation, 

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Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

for  if  certain  characters  are  admitted  to  my 
society,  and  indulge  in  rouglilionse,  they  are 
sure  to  get  black  eyes  and  I  to  get  the  whole 
blame.  The  individuals  referred  to  are  very 
few  in  number  in  comparison  with  the  whole 
community,  but  they  succeed  in  making  them- 
selves very  conspicious,  —  hence,  the  howl 
against  me. 

Now,  to  friends  and  enemies,  I  am  about  to 
say  adieu  for  the  present.  I  know  that  the  first 
will  continue  to  love  me,  and  I  hope  that  the 
second  will  ere  long  learn  to  bear  me  less  bitter 
feeling.  If  Sam  Redtop  's  judgment  in  reference 
to  my  indestructibility  proves  correct,  and  the 
apparent  present  trend  of  public  thought  con- 
tinues, I  may  some  years  hence  resume  my 
American  biography.  If,  however,  my  Ameri- 
can life  comes  to  a  complete  and  final  end,  and 
I  be  driven  across  the  seas,  I  shall  go  with  many 
pleasant  memories  of  the  past,  but  with  sorrow 
in  my  heart  for  the  millions  of  good  friends  I 
leave  behind  in  their  loneliness. 

Just  one  question  let  me  ask  before  I  close; 
did  not  the  Giver  of  the  Religion  of  the  Soul, 
in  His  life  upon  earth,  clearly  and  unmistakably 

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Autobiography  of  John  Barleycorn 

recognize  in  me  a  fit  companion  for  man,  despite 
the  evils  of  which  I  am  accused?  K,  after  care- 
ful reading  of  the  records,  and  after  serious 
meditation  thereon  you  are  in  doubt,  can  you 
not  at  least  find  deep  down  in  your  heart  some 
responsive  chord  to  what  that  grand  old  Persian 
said,  in  referring  to  me  nine  hundred  years 
ago: 

*^Why,  be  this  Juice  the  growth  of  God,  who 
dare 
Blaspheme  the  twisted  tendril  as  a  Snare? 
A  Blessing,  we  should  use  it,  should  we  not! 
And  if  a  Curse — why,  then,  Who  set  it  there.  * ' 


[67] 


/JT/TfUi'*'' 


^J^ 


